`yijunn. Saturday, April 01, 2006
OHNO i don't know how i can change from happy to sad so fast ):but it's because i guess i just read stuff on people's blogs that i didnt like. well it's not about me directly i guess but it's just well. HOW CAN THEY HAVE SUCH BAD TASTE TO CRUSH HER EE.
and well, it's not that we don't like her, but HOW CAN WE? i dunno lahh it's been so long already, but i can't help but think of it once in a while especially at night. but i guess no one will ever understand but michelle and me. because michelle's right yiwen's right. no matter what it always looks like it's our fault. but i believe that time will show.
and i know we have more things to worry about. but i can't help but propel myself back to 7 months ago. why did they have to make the stupid decision. why were they so blind. why didn't they ever listen.then it goes back to four months ago. when michelle and i spent the last week of our december holidays crying. in jan/early feb. and then i can't help but hate her when she said no to their suggestion. if only she had said yes. everything would have been fine. everything would be better. rgguides would be better. then it goes back to two months ago when i promised myself, and i promised yiwen that i was going to do my best. and from then onwards i learned to love the job of a CL more. and i loved guides. i tried. i really tried. as much as there was so much bitterness in my heart towards her i really tried. it takes a lot to appear harmonious with someone whom you really hate. it takes a lot to restrain myself from screaming 'I HATE YOU' in her face. it takes a lot to bear the unjust and unfairness that we all have the same post the same standing and yet the work michelle and i do is just nuts while she sleeps. then it goes back to camp. when we were worrying. and worrying and well all she does is make presents so people like her. when we planned the entire camp and had so little sleep and worried so much and prayed so much how she wouldnt screw it up for us. then it goes back to every wednesday and friday. when michelle and i spend endless hours planning things and have to put in extra effort to worry about whether she'll just screw everything up with her incapability.
i know you may say i have no right to say whether she's deserving or not. but time does show and do you still stand by what you said i really have no idea. you know sometimes i really want to blame you for not making sure that this wouldn't happen. i really want to blame you for letting them choose our combi and not stopping them when you knew this would happen.
but i can't bring myself to do so because i know you're not at fault. and you're always there for michelle and i when we need you even if you dont have to be there. and even if the whole world blames us i know you wont. because you're wise and smart unlike the rest of them. from that phone call in the middle of the night last year until now, you've never stopped helping us. unlike the other who give up or simply don't bother about us anymore, i know you care, and i really thank you for it.
ohshit i hate crying because when i start it takes ages before i stop.